The subject of Mental Health has become very important to me; more so in the last ten years or so. I hadn't truly realized the stigma that comes with a diagnosis regarding mental health until my own mental health started to decline. There are many different types of mental health illnesses, especially under the umbrella of depression. Too many people misunderstand depression. Many think that being depressed is just feeling blue because the day didn't go quite the way we wanted; you got a low grade on a test or failed a test. Maybe a relationship has gone south and you're feeling heartbroken and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. Sure, these can make a person feel depressed, but eventually, you get better grades, you pass that test, or eventually, the pain from the loss of that relationship starts to decrease and you're able to move on. Depression (clinical depression) doesn't go away; it only becomes somewhat manageable whether with, or even without medication depending on the diagnosis and severity of the depression. Therapy is important and so is a good support system in family and friends. I have learned that those of us who have mental health diagnosis, can build what's called a self-care toolbox to help during difficult times. I will discuss the toolbox in a future blog. For now, I want to discuss the subject of suicide.
The subject of suicide, which has allot to do with depression, is just as taboo as depression itself. It is hard to talk about the reasons behind one's decision to die by suicide. It's easier to just say that choosing suicide is a selfish act or that choosing suicide shows how weak a person is. But is that true? Is choosing death by suicide selfish and weak? Or is it more like we are being selfish because we never bothered to understand why one would choose suicide, and we are weak because we are the ones that can't handle the truth behind the thoughts or actions regarding suicide? That's something to think about. I cannot discuss the reasons behind someone else's choice toward suicide. I can only discuss my own thoughts of suicide and my own reasons behind attempts to take my own life. Even if I can help only one person have an understanding about suicidal thoughts or ideations, I will be a happy camper. Before I say any more, please understand that I will not share how I have attempted because the "how" is not important. It's the "why" that's important.
As someone who suffers with Major depressive disorder, among other diagnosis, I can tell you that there have been a few times I have wanted to die by suicide and have made attempts to do so. My last attempt was in August of 2015. Believe it or not, as is true for most, I did not want to die; I still don't. What I wanted, and sometimes still want, is for the pain to go away; the daily physical pain due to some physical health issues, but more so because of the emotional pain I deal with on a daily basis. Suicide, for me, was not about dying; it was about stopping the pain because there didn't seem to be any other way to do that. I felt tired; tired of fighting, tired of not feeling like I was good enough, tired of so many things that I actually had no control over. I felt like everyone would be better off without me and that I would be better off dead. Telling someone they are selfish for feeling this way does not help at all. In fact, it just makes things worst. And, a person who is judgmental about it is generally someone that should not be in my life. A person who contemplates suicide needs support, not judgment. If you cannot provide that support, well, I guess you should really take a look at your definition of friendship or family...... Just sayin 😶
If anyone who is reading this feels like they are at that point where nothing else but dying seems to be the best answer, stop. I know it's hard and I know that it seems like there is nowhere and no one to turn to. But please don't. I can tell you from experience that there is help and that, if given time, it really does get better. Will it ever be perfect? No; but it can get better. Will the pain fully go away? Possibly not; but there are ways to work through it. Do I still have suicidal ideations? Yes; but I have learned how to work through it and take each day as it comes, one day at a time and sometimes, one moment at a time; it really can get better. I hope this has been helpful.
There is support and different programs that be helpful. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a great resource. They have been a great help for me and I am a member of the organization as well. I have taken many different types of training for self-care as well as training to provide support for others. Check it out........ www.nami.org.
